Spring Training is here, and it’s time to choose your line-up. My advice is to start with the quick players, clean up with the heavy hitters, and finish up with a few long shots.
Gas and oil jump right out of the box. They’re fast, and they steal a lot of bases. Trouble is, there’s not enough of them. And now they’re not so cheap. Ever since they became free agents, their salary demands have tripled.
Solar and wind are the heavy hitters. Power hitters strike out a lot. Then they connect, hit the ball out of the park, and win the game.
The rest of the line-up is questionable. Nuclear is always injured. Coal is always injuring. They were star players last century, but no matter how often we patch them up, they can barely make it to first base.
Then there’s the pitching. The most efficient pitcher wins. And you can’t strike anybody out with one type of pitch. You need fast balls (carpools), curve balls (hybrid cars), and sliders (mass transit).
It’s the top of the ninth, and the game is tied. Your relief pitchers keep it close. You caulk your windows, insulate your attic, and change your light bulbs. The other team, the Energy Hogs, only scores one run.
In the bottom of the ninth, gas hits a triple. Oil has a deepwater blowout, and is retired. Solar and wind walk to load up the bases. Nuclear gets hit by a pitch, to score the tying run. Coal and shale oil strike out.
We’re going into extra innings. You upgrade all of your appliances to Energy Star models. Your closer has shut down the Energy Hogs.
Bottom of the tenth, and the game is on the line. Gas hits a clean single. Oil gets its signals mixed up. It’s supposed to swing hard for a sac fly, but it can’t see the green light. Instead, oil tries to bunt, and hits into a double play.
Now solar is at the plate, and wind is on deck. They’re renewable, and they’ve been working out during the off season. No steroids, no harmful emissions. No dependence on foreign substances. One swing of the bat, and the Energy Hogs are sent packing. Solar, soon to be Rookie of the Year, has hit a home run.
Dr. Robert N. Amundsen
New York Institute of Technology
Old Westbury, NY 11568