Breaking News: Martians Offer Earthlings Low-Cost Clean Energy has learned of secret meetings that have been held between UN energy ministers and Martian ministers of energy regarding the terawatts of easily exploitable geothermal energy that Mars possesses.

The Resource

Little has been understood about Mars and its resources, beyond what has been learned from probes sent to its orbit and more recently to the planet’s surface. What is now being learned confirms previous speculation that Mars actually has abundant geothermal energy — and furthermore that there is a sophisticated infrastructure for harvesting it. Mars actually has two distinct geophysical characteristics: extensive volcanic activity below its western hemisphere, and massive underground glaciers of ice in its south and eastern hemispheres. Supercharged reactors pierce and melt sections of those glaciers, and the water is channeled through underground caverns to enormous geothermal fields where it is evaporated into steam to power turbines. Martians also have developed innovative cooling and recirculation techniques using the planet’s CO2 resources, both dry ice deposits as well as captured and compressed atmospheric gas.

Geothermal on Mars: Starting the reactor

Our scientific explorations of Mars in recent years has been fortuitous for Martians as well. They witnessed our ignorance regarding reliable energy when the Mars Phoenix Lander ran out of juice, and they have seen the inferiority of our technology and processes in comparision to theirs. At the same time, they have realized Earth can be the solution to a growing problem: their advanced systems for harvesting geothermal energy are proving more efficient and reliable than expected, causing a glut of cheap domestic energy. Earth, they believe, would be a prime offtaker as well as provide new revenue streams.

The Proposal

The Martian proposal stems upon building a giant intergalactic interconnector, which would transport the cheap clean energy through space. Douglas Quaid, MIT’s Professor of Alien Energy who has been consulted on the project, described it as a transmission line about six feet in diameter, treated with a rugged an anti-reflective fabric and built to withstand hits by flying space objects such as orbiting satellites and meteors, he said. “It’s going to be like a huge extension cord,” he said. To account for the daily and annual rotations of the Earth, the intergalactic interconnector will hover above transmission centers and only connect to them briefly to beam the power into the grid. “Then it will move on to the next socket,” he explained.

According to sources familiar with the secret talks, the Martians also have offered Earth engineers their expertise and know-how in building a grid system that works. Quaid explained that about 100 years ago, the Martians had been entirely dependent on an antiquated form of energy that required daily combustion of a resource that was in short supply. The combustion not only burned the planet but it also emitted pollutants that made Martians sick and there was no safe way to dispose of the waste product that was left over after combustion. A Martian visionary at the time figured out how to exploit cleaner renewable energy to power Maritan homes, businesses and transportation.

Mars’ renewable energy savior

The Earth’s entire electricity grid will need to be revamped, Quaid acknowledges, but he believes the benefits of a brand new, global grid outweigh the costs associated with building it.

“Clearly the Martians know what they are doing,” said Quaid. “And we can definitely use their help,” he added. “Earth needs clean energy from Mars.”

“Astronomical Costs”

Quaid acknowledges the costs to transport the geothermal energy to the Earth “would be in the trillions of bitcoins.” Bitcoins, the global currency in use over the Internet, would be the only possible way that money between Mars and the Earth could change hands due to the complicated nature of the global currency as it stands, he notes. “I’m sure all the countries are going to try to get their own hands on this,” he surmised, “but this has to be a global effort or it just won’t work.”

Asked how he expects the globe will pay for connector, Quaid said that, “we should stop pouring money into all this unreliable domestic clean energy research that is getting us nowhere.” Geothermal energy from Mars solves all of our problems, and “we don’t even have to figure out to do it!” he concluded.


Upon hearing the news of the intergalactic proposal, protest groups seemed to form overnight. Ironically, the major coalition from both Earth and Mars adopted the same acronym: NOMP, which stands for “Not on My Planet.” Spokesperson for the Earth NOMPs and business mogul Tonald Drump released a statement this morning expressing NOMP’s outrage about the plan, and how it will likely ruin the starry landscape at his new golf course under development in Key West, Florida.

“This was simply a political decision, and I will personally see to it that this unsightly interconnnector is never constructed,” said Drump. He went on to say that the interconnector will destroy all of Earth, questioned the actual existence of the Martians, and announced that he plans to “file a lawsuit against anyone that tries to make the plan a reality — there will be hell toupee!

Meanwhile, NOMPs of Mars are seemingly equally upset about the project. Massive protests have reportedly broken out across the planet’s landscape, from the mountain of Olympus Mons to the Valles Marineris canyon. Mars NOMPs are apparently unwilling to part with their energy, fearing it will ruin the landscape and promote too much interaction “with greedy, insufferable Earthlings.” Picketing is currently taking place along the mesas of Cydonia, where crowds of Martians have been reciting several chants, including:

“&&*()^$* )*^@#*( O**&%*&”
(Rough translation: “You can’t bust through our dust!”)

“@!#$^** &% — $%& **^^&$@+__)”
(Rough translation: “Go home — leave our rocks alone!”)

Martians for the Ethical Treatment of Our Rocks (METoUR) has expressed its own concerns about how the project will impact the major part of Mars’ landscape — rocks. In a statement released by the group late last night, members say that they would be okay with providing a few GW of electricity as a matter of friendly planetary relations, but they claim it wouldn’t end there. “Some energy is fine, but we know very well that Earth will want more and more — especially those Americans. All of that drilling will ultimately destroy our beautiful rocks. We cannot let this happen.”


Martians’ worst nightmare

Several environmentalist groups on Earth also have released statements expressing their outrage. People for the Ethical Treatment of Earth (PETE) have expressed concern about the source of the geothermal energy, claiming that it could contain elements that could cause catastrophic damage to Earth’s delicate environment. The organization is currently raising money to send a private spaceship to Mars in order to gather red dust from its surface. This red dust will then be used to contaminate the drinking water of UN members, which according to PETE will “give them a taste of what our trees will go through.”

While protesters express their opinions, the renewable energy industry on Earth has remained uncommonly quiet since they learned of the proposal. Rhone Resch of the Solar Energy Industries Association (SEIA) explained that while powering the Earth with 100 percent renewable energy is what renewable advocates have long been fighting for, “what will it do to our current ¬†renewable energy industry,” he asked. “Should everyone just pack up and call it quits because we’ve reached our apparent goal? It certainly seems like a catch-22.”

Other renewable industry players remain puzzled, and are unsure of whether they should be supportive of the 100 percent clean, renewable resource they have long advocated for, or against it because it will ultimately destroy their businesses. No other statements had been released at press time.

We will update this article accordingly on April 1st, (traditionally April Fool’s day) when many publications attempt intergalactic humorous reports.

(Images: Reactor via BadHaven; Marvin the Martian via Wikipedia; Earth traveler via Shutterstock)

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